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Author Topic: WW: Hol Tiger:Exiled Moogle  (Read 14131 times)

January 22, 2008, 06:29:24 PM
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Jessica HawlSera

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WW: Hol Tiger:Exiled Moogle
« on: January 22, 2008, 06:29:24 PM »
This was my comic idea, but I remebered what happened to my last comic and all the trouble it caused. I'm older and the ego-tistical ness has left me a signifigant amount, but because I remeber what happened last time, I will NOT turn this into comic format unless it gets good comments, if it does not I'll forget its existance.

The plot is basically what happened to me for the two years I was banned.

Issue 1
Scene 1
Yeah, that's me, in the good ol' days. Little did I know my life would be changed somewhat all with one simple false messanger.
Hol:It sure is awesome in this here Moogle Cavern, I'm the tigernaut bitch, sup fools! Anyone wanna go for a laser tag, this is some AWESOME. It's always AWESOME when H-O-L-T-I-G-E-R! IMP Intern! Is here! Right friends?
Scene 2
Generic Sonic Recolor:Sure Hol, whatever you say.... *leaving*
Yep, I thought I was a badass, everyone secretly jealous, signalling me out because they know deep inside they are fools, ah youth.
Hol:Don't you roll your eyes at me, *holding a letter* Kulock says you guys are now my bitches. So don't sass me, or you'll find yourself
Generic Knuckles Recolor:*lifting Hol*
Scene 3
*now outside of a large cave*
Hol:Outside..... wait... What!?

Issue 2
Before I go further let me introduce you to some people of great importance
First off - Miranda - This sexy succubus is my current girlfriend, met her down at Sonic Burger when, that, happened. She's always been there for me, and so have some of her more interesting powers.
Panel 2
Secondly - Silver Canth - a strange creature with some epic destiny involving demons and whatnot, a good friend of mine.
panel 3
and finally there's this guy - Nega Hol - A demon who feeds off of fear, found him in a manor where he obtained my likeness after giving me hell, oh God I hate this guy.

Issue 3
Hol:What is this meaning of this!?!? Having your goons throw me out like that! This place is defenseless without me to protect it!
Page Repair Droid:False messages from our leader do not bold well, plus you are anything but useful to us, as SonKnuck, H Hog, Blaze, Matrixx, ,Kulock, Andrusi, and several other warriors are up to the challenge.
Panel 2
Hol:Silly robo, check out this note. *flashes letter*
Page Repair Droid:Scanning complete. ERROR! *explodes*
Panel 3
Hol:There, the letter Ku sent, was so legit, that you died, guess I'll be leaving, Ink, Squish, and Taeshi, three girls who are waiting to massage a true hero, and it's not nice to keep pretty girls waiting.
Old Looking Moogle:Not so fast Young Master Hol, *reading letter* this obvious fake isn't your writing, but neither is it King Kulock's which is why three Moogle Elders will judge you.
Panel 4
Holographic Head of H Hog:Guilty
Holographic Head of Andrusi:Guilty
Holographic Head of Kulock:Guilty
Hol:Oh no, I've been Supermaned!
Old Moogle:So it's settle Hol, *holding a gun* if you ever return, we'll kill you.

Evan has been drawing these in a profoundly retarded way that makes everyone happy, and since my "intelligent" properties are neither making me a damn cent nor cared about by anyone, I'll let you all have your fun and continue the comic normally.

Issue 4 - Sonic's Burger Is My Burger
-Sonic Burger-
Sonic:*flips a burger* *singing* Everybody's Super Sonic Racing
Hol:I can't believe it! I got bannified!
Miranda:Sure.... look... are you going to eat or not? Either way, just pay for it already.
Hol:Where the hell am I going to live Miranda
Miranda:For the last time, my name is Roushinellia!
Hol:Well you have big boobs, but I don't give a damn, cause I'm a sexy ti...
Roushinellia:.....Just go back to your damn cave
Hol:But Miranda, they'll kill me
Roushinellia:Well if you're so god-damn uber you can take them, can't you?
Hol:You're right! *smacks her bum* thanks babe!
Roushinellia:.......I'm going...... to kill your face..... *firing a lazor at Hol*

Issue 5 - I gots teh shot
Hol:Alright, mofos, outta my way, I'm the Juggernaut bitch, and the sexiest tiger girl you've ever seen. LET ME IN!
Kulock:IT'S HAWL!
Blues:Kill his face
Panel 2
Hol:Silly bitch, my lazor is already charged, so I'm a firin' babeh!  I'm badder than Leeroy Jenkins and that's why no nigga ever stole my bike!
Random Tails Recolor:Shut him up! Somebody shut him up!
Page Repair Droid:Error detected, Removing the Hol in progress.
Panel 3
Hol Tiger: Bring it bot boy, I'm gonna give you a nice lick in the balls, and your robotic dumbass is sitting outside cause one of us is going down at it won't be
Panel 4 (Out side of Moogle Cavern, all bloody)
Hol Tiger:Me arms... hurt....... That.... didn't... go so well......

They're a here, awaiting Evan
« Last Edit: June 20, 2009, 05:37:02 PM by Sz »
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January 22, 2008, 08:02:30 PM
Reply #1

Sputnik

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Re: Hol Tiger:Exiled Moogle
« Reply #1 on: January 22, 2008, 08:02:30 PM »
You should grow up some. Or find some cultural sources that aren't as cheesy and over-the-top. But in any case don't try so hard. If you don't have anything to say just don't post until you do. If you aren't colourful then just be plain. It's what I do.
Also, unimportant means not important. Meaning you don't need to try to turn stupid crap into relevant stuff.
I mean, why is your nick "Cuddable Tiggums"? Why do you apologise so much? WTF, stop embarrassing yourself! Are you shielding yourself behind stuff you already know is not funny or what? Are you taking a "I'm so bad/defenceless/whatever" stance?
Please don't take this as an insult or something, I'd actually be harsh if I was insulting you, or I'd put you on ignore without even bothering.
































« Last Edit: January 22, 2008, 08:23:52 PM by Carbonell »

January 22, 2008, 09:36:43 PM
Reply #2

Mirai Zikasu

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Re: Hol Tiger:Exiled Moogle
« Reply #2 on: January 22, 2008, 09:36:43 PM »
I have to second what Sputnik said.  It's way too over the top and self-glorifying.  I don't know if this is intentional, but your caricature of yourself sounds just as narcissistic, indignant, and downright obnoxious as you did before you got banned.  There is no appeal in the character.  Also, introduce Miranda, Silver Canth, and Nega Hol (Really, really cheesy name) in their respective places in your story; don't create an issue just to say "These people will show up later."  As for the dialog, it is far too much for three/four-panel comic, and what is this nonsense about "warriors" of the Moogle Cavern, Moogle Elders, and some "Old Moogle" addressing you as "Young Master Hol?"  In addition to that, your grammar and punctuation are still horrible.  Learn how to use a comma; it's not hard.

I don't know who your audience is, but I see no appeal in the comic.  If you're doing it for yourself, have fun; I can't stop you.  If you're doing this for an audience here, I don't expect you'll have much support, though I admit that I only speak for myself.  If you're doing this for an outside audience, they won't understand it as they never experienced the Moogle Cavern.  You're free to do what you want, but you're not doing yourself a service of any sort by going through with this idea.

January 22, 2008, 09:40:39 PM
Reply #3

Jessica HawlSera

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Re: Hol Tiger:Exiled Moogle
« Reply #3 on: January 22, 2008, 09:40:39 PM »
Alright, thank you, those two comments are all I needed, I thought an awesome exageration would have been awesome, but apparntly not. I'm not going to do anything that's only going to piss you peeps off.
- This is sure to end in hijinks!
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January 23, 2008, 08:33:57 AM
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Sofox

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Re: Hol Tiger:Exiled Moogle
« Reply #4 on: January 23, 2008, 08:33:57 AM »
Hol, as Mirai said, if you are making it for yourself, its fine (except cameos of course), but if you are trying to appeal to an audience, you need to learn how to target your writing (which I guess is what you're trying to do here, good job).

From my personal perspective, I did laugh at the Superman reference (though saying "supermanned" made it too blatant, I found it more subtle and effective when I misread it as "superbanned") but I can't say as much about the rest. Now maybe you weren't aiming for humour, which is fine, but personally, I found the narrative a bit erratic.
The narrative of the story is the thread that ties the story together and allows people to understand how one part of the story leads onto another. You'll notice that often young children don't have a sense of narrative cohesion ("The Koala went up to the police officer, but the police officer was angry at the Koala and shot at him. The police officer and the Koala then had tea together") but generally as they get older and read more (word of advice in improving any form of storytelling: read many, many books) and when they write they try to ensure that all the pieces fit together in a structured manner that makes sense (unless they intentionally try to confuse the reader, but that's another story).
The narrative structure in your comic has a lot of awkward turns, bends, making it hard for the reader to tell what's going on and giving the impression of seriously immature writing.
We don't know where Hol got the letter, what the old moogle's deal is. And what's happening with Hol, is he outside at first, then wants to get inside, and suddenly he's in the judging chamber. It flows very fast. Also, each individual part of it isn't well written (why would the PRD explode after reading the letter? I'ts
Which leads me to the next point, I think dialogue lacks a flow, a sense of informing the reader what is going on while at the same time being true to the character. The whole thing comes across as random and ill thought out and structured.
The best thing to do is to imagine what you would like to read, and try to write it out yourself.

January 23, 2008, 04:53:07 PM
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Jessica HawlSera

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Re: Hol Tiger:Exiled Moogle
« Reply #5 on: January 23, 2008, 04:53:07 PM »
Hmm, alright Sofox, I've decided I'll go with my plan to make this in comic format, BUT merely as a way to improve my own skills.
It shall be posted here so that, there's a way to moniter progress over time, and to be able to recieve constructive criticism.
- This is sure to end in hijinks!
(I'm watching you, I'm always watching you. -)

January 23, 2008, 06:04:15 PM
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Sputnik

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Re: Hol Tiger:Exiled Moogle
« Reply #6 on: January 23, 2008, 06:04:15 PM »
You should find a better idea. This one'll be frustrating to you because it's basically the worst concept ever. WHO is going to find this story interesting?

January 23, 2008, 07:39:53 PM
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SonKnuck

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Re: Hol Tiger:Exiled Moogle
« Reply #7 on: January 23, 2008, 07:39:53 PM »
Keep me out of your crap.

January 23, 2008, 09:08:58 PM
Reply #8

ila

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Re: Hol Tiger:Exiled Moogle
« Reply #8 on: January 23, 2008, 09:08:58 PM »
You forgot how you terrorized SFGHQ with your cuntish ways as well.

Damn, I really need to stop unignoring you for that false hope you may have something worthwhile to say.

January 24, 2008, 01:30:27 AM
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Jessica HawlSera

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Re: Hol Tiger:Exiled Moogle
« Reply #9 on: January 24, 2008, 01:30:27 AM »
You forgot how you terrorized SFGHQ with your cuntish ways as well.

Damn, I really need to stop unignoring you for that false hope you may have something worthwhile to say.

I wouldn't call a forum I can't honeslty say I frequented for a period of time exceeding a week something I terrorized.

Anyway, if you people have THIS much of an objection, than fine I'll skip the MC stuff and go right into the pure original content parts.... why'd I just get a mental image of One Piece when I said that?

Also it'll be renamed, Hol Tiger:Novice Psychic, and before ANYONE says that making stories about yourself is a stupid idea, tell that to SonKnuck.
- This is sure to end in hijinks!
(I'm watching you, I'm always watching you. -)

January 24, 2008, 07:50:44 AM
Reply #10

Sofox

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Re: Hol Tiger:Exiled Moogle
« Reply #10 on: January 24, 2008, 07:50:44 AM »
Hol, if you want someone to review your drafts and suggest improvements, send them to me.

January 24, 2008, 08:42:00 AM
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Mirai Zikasu

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Re: Hol Tiger:Exiled Moogle
« Reply #11 on: January 24, 2008, 08:42:00 AM »
Also it'll be renamed, Hol Tiger:Novice Psychic, and before ANYONE says that making stories about yourself is a stupid idea, tell that to SonKnuck.

That's not the point.  Stop and think for once before you go shooting off your mouth with preemptive accusations as you often did once upon a lifetime ago and still do.

There's nothing wrong with a story about one's fictionalized self as long as it is a decent story with appealing characters.  The problem is that your plot in your first proposal and the idea in your second have virtually no appeal.  In your first idea's plot, the concept of knowing what "happened" to you after being banned form the Moogle Cavern is not interesting.  Fortunately, you decided on dropping that idea in favor of original content.  I can't comment on content of your second idea as you haven't said much detail about it.  However, you also lack an appealing main character.  Judging by his actions, your Hol Tiger caricature is not appealing.  He is loud, vulgar, indignant, narcissistic, and comes off sounding like a snotty, hyperactive brat who is jaded with the idea of being too cool for everything to the point of being oblivious of his surroundings.  If this is how your character is, so be it, but would you want to read anything with all focus on a character like this?  That, and all the attention is on this character.  He is the main character in a story about himself where the focus would be almost exclusively on him, and even the title is nothing but his name and a short noun phrase ("Novice Psychic").  Having a person's name as "the title" is good for a biography or a chapter title, but don't make the character's name the title for the series.  It's far too blatant and boring.  A story called "Novice Psychic" with Hol Tiger as the main character would be better.  "The ... of Hol Tiger" would be better.  "Hol Tiger: ...," however, with all the focus on the main character, is not good.

To make things short, the problem is not doing a comic about one's caricature self; it's about having neither a decent plot nor appealing characters.  Again, it's all up to you what you want to do with your work, but remember to keep in mind for whom you are making this and what do you want readers to get out of it.
« Last Edit: January 24, 2008, 08:46:54 AM by Mirai Zikasu »

January 24, 2008, 09:44:37 AM
Reply #12

Sofox

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Re: Hol Tiger:Exiled Moogle
« Reply #12 on: January 24, 2008, 09:44:37 AM »
Judging by his actions, your Hol Tiger caricature is not appealing.  He is loud, vulgar, indignant, narcissistic, and comes off sounding like a snotty, hyperactive brat who is jaded with the idea of being too cool for everything to the point of being oblivious of his surroundings.  If this is how your character is, so be it, but would you want to read anything with all focus on a character like this?[/size][/color][/font][/i]
In all fairness, that adequately describes a certain Bill Waterson creation who was far from unappealing (and involved a Tiger too!).

January 24, 2008, 01:26:42 PM
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Jessica HawlSera

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Re: Hol Tiger:Exiled Moogle
« Reply #13 on: January 24, 2008, 01:26:42 PM »
Judging by his actions, your Hol Tiger caricature is not appealing.  He is loud, vulgar, indignant, narcissistic, and comes off sounding like a snotty, hyperactive brat who is jaded with the idea of being too cool for everything to the point of being oblivious of his surroundings.  If this is how your character is, so be it, but would you want to read anything with all focus on a character like this?[/size][/color][/font][/i]

The idea was for him to be like that in the begining, but then as things happen to him he grows up and becomes likable, the original comic will have a less hateable Hol.
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January 27, 2008, 04:14:16 PM
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Silvercanth

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Re: Hol Tiger:Exiled Moogle
« Reply #14 on: January 27, 2008, 04:14:16 PM »
Let's see...Where to begin...? Your newer idea of "Hol Tiger: Novice Psychic" seems a hell of a lot more promising. As Mirai said, you're going to have to pick subject matter to match your audience. The Moogle Cavern could possibly be a place later on, but it really does seem like an odd place to begin. You getting banned from a forum, even if you do it symbolically with a real cave and such, is just not very important or interesting. Some of your character previews seem appealing. I like Nega-Hol, though you could come up with a better name. Maybe scramble the letters of your name, or something. (Go Hitler?) I'm going to warn you in advance, do not go over the top with references. If you do it too much it becomes very predictable. If I were to say, "MADNESS?" or "i herd u liek..." you would immediately know what comes next. "Hol Tiger: Novice Psychic" could have a better title as well. Once he grows stronger he won't be a novice. You'd have to change the title. Also, it does sound a little...bleh. Like I've heard it before. I must disagree with Mirai about your character's personality. If you start him out as immature and arrogant it leaves much room for character development. Also, it seems like you could dodge a few cliche' main character personalities. He's not the "I don't care about you guys, I'm not saving the world until I learn some important life lessons" guy or the "I'm going to save the world no matter what the cost" guy. It seems he could be more unpredictable and find a middle ground between those two archetypes. Oh, and do watch your grammar. It can kill any good idea if it's bad enough.

January 31, 2008, 07:33:16 PM
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noby

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Re: Hol Tiger:Exiled Moogle
« Reply #15 on: January 31, 2008, 07:33:16 PM »
I can't speak for them, but regardless I hardly find it appropriate to use random girls on the internet for "massages" in a weird story. ymmv

March 23, 2008, 02:11:51 PM
Reply #16

H Hog

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Re: Hol Tiger:Exiled Moogle
« Reply #16 on: March 23, 2008, 02:11:51 PM »
Judging by his actions, your Hol Tiger caricature is not appealing.  He is loud, vulgar, indignant, narcissistic, and comes off sounding like a snotty, hyperactive brat who is jaded with the idea of being too cool for everything to the point of being oblivious of his surroundings.  If this is how your character is, so be it, but would you want to read anything with all focus on a character like this?[/size][/color][/font][/i]
In all fairness, that adequately describes a certain Bill Waterson creation who was far from unappealing (and involved a Tiger too!).

Sofox wins the topic. =P

Erm... yeah, "Exiled Moogle" is a bit of a misnomer for a title, as you're not, were not, never have been, and probably never will be a "moogle".
Nor was, have, or am I, for that matter.
A misconception people sometimes made in the past was that the inhabitants of the Moogle Cavern were all called "Moogles", whereas the only actual Moogle (who consistently stayed around for the entire duration of the place's existance, anyway...), was the cavern's leader, Kulock himself.
The rest of us usually referred to ourselves as "MCers", short for Moogle Caverners.

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March 31, 2008, 01:38:56 AM
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Sparkle Tits

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Re: Hol Tiger:Exiled Moogle
« Reply #17 on: March 31, 2008, 01:38:56 AM »

hi guys

March 31, 2008, 04:55:45 AM
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Chrispy

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Re: Hol Tiger:Exiled Moogle
« Reply #18 on: March 31, 2008, 04:55:45 AM »
Joshy EVAN wins. His comic is excessively men.

EDIT: Fix'd
« Last Edit: April 01, 2008, 12:08:05 AM by Chris »

March 31, 2008, 10:35:30 AM
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Sofox

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Re: Hol Tiger:Exiled Moogle
« Reply #19 on: March 31, 2008, 10:35:30 AM »
Nice.

March 31, 2008, 02:27:55 PM
Reply #20

Sparkle Tits

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Re: Hol Tiger:Exiled Moogle
« Reply #20 on: March 31, 2008, 02:27:55 PM »
Ain't mine, guys.  Look at the name in the upper right.

March 31, 2008, 03:00:13 PM
Reply #21

ila

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Re: Hol Tiger:Exiled Moogle
« Reply #21 on: March 31, 2008, 03:00:13 PM »
Evan continues to amaze me.

March 31, 2008, 09:00:59 PM
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Sparkle Tits

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Re: Hol Tiger:Exiled Moogle
« Reply #22 on: March 31, 2008, 09:00:59 PM »


Evang1109: how are you liking this so far hol
SuperKyle Gf: That's ridiculously retarded

April 01, 2008, 02:11:51 AM
Reply #23

Sparkle Tits

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Re: Hol Tiger:Exiled Moogle
« Reply #23 on: April 01, 2008, 02:11:51 AM »


THE LAST ONE i guess unless Hol makes more

April 01, 2008, 09:19:18 AM
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Sofox

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Re: Hol Tiger:Exiled Moogle
« Reply #24 on: April 01, 2008, 09:19:18 AM »
That's great... except....

I don't think Evan got the Superman reference.